


Dear Boy

by themaskedgirl



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bisexual Alexander, Domestic, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gay John, M/M, Parent-Child Relationship, Romance, mild swearing, parenting, tags will be added as the story progresses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-08-20 06:41:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16550855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themaskedgirl/pseuds/themaskedgirl
Summary: Alex believes he doesn’t deserve a second chance at love. So when the freckled boy, who introduces himself as the babysitter, knocks on his door, he knows he’s doomed.





	1. of meetings and true love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always loved stories that involve parenting and I've recently been very obsessed with the musical and real-life John Laurens. So I decided to write this one. This is my first Lams fanfic! I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Edited: 181108

Alexander Hamilton has decided to never fall in love again.

When he was 22, in his final year of college, he met Elizabeth Schuyler. They fell madly in love with each other and their courtship only lasted for a short while before they finally decided to tie the knot after graduating.

They moved to Albany after Eliza became pregnant, but Alex stayed in an apartment in Harlem since he was still studying at Columbia Law School. He visited home from time to time to check on his wife and son, but he spent more time studying and working than caring for his family.

That was when Alex made the biggest mistake of his life. His loneliness led him to start an affair with fellow law student, Maria Lewis, and even constantly brought her to his apartment. A year into the affair, Eliza found out.

Initially, she wanted to forgive him, but upon learning that it wasn’t a one-night stand, she broke down. She wanted to make their relationship work for their son, but it was too painful for her to bear and the whole affair took a toll on her mental health. She decided that giving up on their relationship would be the best decision for her, her son, and Alexander.

Alexander didn’t stop her. He couldn’t. He didn’t want to hurt her even more than he already had, so he agreed without any complaint. Eliza deserved someone better, Alex knew. It hurt him, but he knew that what he felt wasn’t comparable to the pain she felt.

Eliza didn’t keep him from meeting their son even after they divorced. She also moved to Harlem to live near her sisters, so it's easier for Alex to meet with his son. They have shared custody over him and after graduating from law school and becoming a full-fledged lawyer, Philip started alternating between his parents’ houses.

That’s how Alexander finds himself in his current predicament. His boss has tasked him to visit a very important client on a _weekend_ , but it’s also the day he gets to spend the whole day with Philip.

Philip stays with him every Thursdays to Saturdays, while he stays with Eliza on the remaining days of the week. He goes to preschool during the weekdays and Alex has work, so they have limited time together then.

Alex always looks forward to Saturday because he gets to play with his son and shower him with love for the whole day. He may be an asshole, but he’s still a good father. At least, he hopes he is.

He doesn’t want to lessen his time with his son, but he doesn’t want to lose an important client either. He sighs and drops down to his couch. He runs a hand through his messy hair and dials a number on his phone. After a few rings, the line connects and a sweet voice says, _“Hello?”_

Alex sighs again and says, “Eliza, thank God. I’m sorry for bothering you this early in the morning, but I really need your help. Washington, my boss, asked me to visit an important client today. Can you believe it? Of all days, he had to choose today! He could have just made me go tomorrow, but hell no, I just had to—“

_“Alexander,”_ Eliza says gently. _“Calm down. I’m pretty sure Pip would understand. He’s only five, but he’s very smart. He’s your son, after all.”_

Alexander will always be amazed with how Eliza can remain so kind and sweet despite everything he’s done to her. He really doesn’t deserve her. “I know, Eliza, but I want to spend time with him!”

_“It’s work, Alexander. You can’t help it.”_

He sighs in frustration again. Why does he always have to choose work over his family? “What do I do now?”

The other line is silent for a moment before Eliza speaks again. _“You can leave him with me—“_

“That’s exactly what I’m not going to do,” he says sternly. “Pip told me you’re going on a date today. I can’t bother you.”

Eliza’s tinkling laugh sounds over the phone and she says, _“He’s my son. He’s my priority.”_

“If that’s the case, then I’ll just tell Washington that I can’t visit our client today,” he answers back. “He’s my son. He’s my priority.” He hears Eliza laughing again and his heart warms. He still loves Eliza and he knows he’ll love her until the end of his lifetime, but it’s already become a different kind of love. He’s happy for Eliza and he wishes that she will never lose her smile again.

_“You really refuse to lose, don’t you, Mr. Hamilton? Fine, I’ll recommend a babysitter for Pip. I’ve never met him before, but he’s Peggy’s friend. And Peggy’s friend—“_

“—is a friend of ours,” Alex finishes. He smiles, even if he knows Eliza can’t see it. “Thanks, Eliza. You’re really the best.”

They end the call and a few minutes later, he receives a message containing the details of the babysitter. He’s a man named John Laurens and he’s three years older than Alex. He wonders why a 30-year old man is still working as a babysitter, but he shrugs, knowing it’s not his businessand dials the number anyway.

A groggy voice answers and Alex feels tingles run down his spine when he hears his voice. It's a strange reaction, but it's he ignores it.  _“Who’s this?”_

Alex clears his throat and says, “Hi. I’m Alexander Hamilton, Peggy’s brother-in-law.” _Ex_ brother-in-law, but he’s not going to explain that over the phone. “I was told you work as a babysitter part-time?”

He hears a yawn from the other line before the man named John answers, _“Yes. What time do you need me?”_

“Daddy?”

Alex’s eyes snap to the the origin of the voice and he sees his young son standing by the bedroom door, holding his bunny plushie and his red curly hair framing his small face. He gestures for him to come closer and his son sleepily walks towards him.

Philip climbs up the couch and sits on his father’s lap, hugging his bunny. He rests his head on Alex’s chest and closes his eyes.

_“Hello? You still there?”_

“Oh,” Alex says in surprise, forgetting that he’s still on the phone with the babysitter. “Yes, can you come here in an hour? We live in Harlem. I’ll text you the address.”

_“I live nearby. I can come earlier if you want?”_

“That would be nice, thank you.” He says goodbye to the man named John and ends the call. He quickly texts the address of his apartment to him with one hand while he rubs Pip’s back with his other hand.

“Who was that, daddy?” he asks and opens his eyes to reveal sparkling blue eyes. He looks at him innocently, eyes still only half-open.

Alex swallows before answering slowly, “A babysitter.”

Little Philip snaps awake upon hearing his father’s answer. He sits up and looks at his father imploringly. “Babysitter?”

He feels his heart break at the look his son is giving him. “You see, daddy has to go leave for work for a while—“

Tears immediately well up in Philip’s eyes as he cries, “But you promised to play with me today!”

Alex reaches out and hugs his son tightly. “Okay, Pip. If you want daddy to stay, I’ll stay.”

The little child clings to him and he can feel his shirt getting wet with tears. “But your work!" His bunny plushie lays on the couch, forgotten. Philip brings the plush toy everywhere, always holding it lovingly, so now that he's left it alone, Alex realizes how serious his son is about the matter.

Alex hugs him tighter and promises to him, “You’re more important to me than my work.”

They stay like that for a while, Philip hanging onto his father for dear life and Alex hugging his son protectively. He feels guilty for not having spent time with him when he was younger and now that he has a better schedule, he really doesn't want to miss another moment with him. Philip has become the most important person in his life. He knows the feeling of being abandoned and he refuses to let his son go through the same thing, not when he's at such a delicate age and not even when he'll be all grown up and matured.

He doesn’t know how much time has passed when he hears the doorbell ring. Carrying the little boy in his arms, he stands and walks to the door. He’s already decided to choose his son over his work, but he forgot to cancel on the babysitter. He opens the door with one hand and readies his short speech to explain why he doesn’t need John’s services anymore.

He’s met with a man taller than him by a few inches and face decorated with a smattering of freckles.

Alexander Hamilton has decided to never fall in love again, but the freckled man standing on his doorstep is making it difficult for him to stay true to his promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was much shorter than I wanted it to be, but I really wanted to end it at that. I'll work extra hard on the next chapter!
> 
> Apologies if there are mistakes. I didn't get to proofread this. Also, I don't live in the USA, so I was only relying on Google Maps when it came to the places I mentioned.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	2. of blushes and goodbye kisses

Alexander stares at the gorgeous man standing in front of him. His black curls are pulled back by a ponytail and he can’t help but wonder how they’ll look when they’re framing his freckled face. He wants to run his hand through his curls and feel if they’re as soft as they look.

His eyes are a shade of hazel that he has never seen before. He’s never thought of hazel as a pretty color before, but it seems that the stranger has the ability to change make him change his opinions in a flash. Alex’s eyes drift towards the man’s eyes again and he feels himself drowning in those wonderful hazel orbs. Oddly enough, he doesn’t mind.

“Daddy?”

Philip’s small voice breaks him out of his reverie, pulling him out of the pool of hazel. He clears his throat. “You must be John Laurens?” he asks, putting on his lawyer voice. He looks at him in the eyes, but wills himself to stay rational.

The beautiful man, who’s been looking at him in shock the whole time, nods shyly and averts his eyes. Alex feels his heart exploding in his chest. He’s about to tell him to come inside his apartment when Philip gasps out, “He’s got freckles too!”

The two men look at the young boy simultaneously, surprising Philip, who then hides his face in his father’s chest in embarrassment. Alex chuckles and shifts Pip into a more comfortable position. “Come in and have a seat, Mr. Laurens,” he says and moves out of the way.

He heads to the couch and sits down, positioning his son on his lap. He grabs the bunny plushie and hands it to his son, who gleefully hugs it to himself.

John Laurens timidly walks inside his house, closing the door behind him, and sits down on the single sofa. “Please call me John, Mr. Hamilton,” he says softly with a small smile.

Alex laughs at how ironic he sounds and Philip glances up at him questioningly. “Call me Alex,” he tells him while patting his son’s head.

John shakes his head vehemently and sputters, “Oh, I could never!“ He sees the confusion in Alex’s eyes, so he starts to hurriedly explain, “I’ve heard about you, Mr. Hamilton.”

“Good things, I hope,” Alex interjects with a lopsided grin.

“Yes,” John continues, becoming more confident with each word he utters. “I’ve read about your cases and I admire your sense of justice. But when you called me earlier, I didn’t know you were _the_ Alexander Hamilton. Peggy never told me you were her brother-in-law.”

“Ex—“

“You know Aunt Peggy?” Pip asks excitedly. He stands up on the couch and pulls Alex closer to whisper on his ear, “Daddy, I like him.”

Alex chuckles and pulls his son onto his lap. He squeezes him and Pip starts laughing. “John, meet my son, Peggy’s nephew, Philip.”

“Daddy and mommy and my aunties call me Pip,” Philip chirps and sends him a bright smile, already warming up to him.

Alex sees John’s face light up when Pip directs his smile towards him and his heart starts beating wildly in his chest again. He likes how John not only looks good and smells good (Alex got a whiff earlier), but his personality seems to be good too.

“Hello, Pip. You can call me John,” he introduces himself and smiles widely at the child.

Alex knows that it isn’t for him, but he still loses himself in John’s smile. He’s been the recipient of many beautiful smiles, and that includes his beloved Eliza’s, but there’s something about John’s that makes him feel at ease, but at the same time, makes him feel like he’s running an endless marathon. Perhaps it’s because of how his whole face lights up when he smiles? Alex doesn’t know, but whatever it is, he actually likes it.

He suddenly feels a tug on his shirt, so he, unfortunately, has to look away from John. He turns to his pouting son and cocks his head questioningly.

“Daddy, I said, are you leaving me with Uncle John?”

Alex clears his throat and sneaks a glance at John, who seems to be blushing. “I was going to, but didn’t you say you wanted to play with me today?” He turns to his son and raises his brow.

Pip thinks for a moment before he shakes his head and says, “It’s okay, daddy. Just go to work.”

Alex’s jaw drops and he looks at his son incredulously. “Philip Hamilton, are you telling me to leave?”

Philip grins at him cheekily before jumping off the couch with his stuffed bunny, red curls bouncing. He heads to John and takes his hand. “I’ll show you my room!” he says excitedly and drags the adult behind him.

John looks at Alex and he notes that the babysitter actually seems to be enjoying the attention Pip is giving him. His cheeks are still tinted red, but Alex never gets to ask why he’s blushing because he soon disappears inside Pip’s room.

Alex sighs and leans back on the couch. He grabs his phone and types out a message for Eliza.

**To: Eliza**

**From: Alex**

**Message: Eliza, I’m sorry.**

A minute or two later, his phone buzzes and he receives a message from his ex-wife.

**To: Alex**

**From: Eliza**

**Message: Let me guess. The babysitter is hot and you feel guilty because you’re starting to fall for him, even though you’ve vowed to never fall in love again because you hurt me. Am I right or am I right?**

Before he can even type out a reply, his phone buzzes again, receiving another message from Eliza.

**To: Alex**

**From: Eliza**

**Message: Alex, I’ve already forgiven you for what you did. It’s about time for you to forgive yourself too.**

Alexander doesn’t know what he did in his past life to have someone as precious as Eliza in his current life. He’s a pompous asshole, who talks too much, works too much, and just generally does things excessively. But he’s still blessed with such great friends,a sweet wife, albeit ex, an amazing son, and maybe, in the near future, even a wonderful boyfriend.

He smiles softly and sends a reply to Eliza.

**To: Alex**

**From: Eliza**

**Message: You’re really the best of women. The world would be a much better place if it’s filled with people like you. Love you, Eliza. Thanks for everything.**

He drops his phone on the couch and sighs yet again. He wanted to talk more with John, but his son obviously had very different plans. He’s pretty surprised that Philip warmed up to John that quickly. It took him a bit longer to get Philip to trust him andwhen he slept at Alex’s house for the first time, he kept crying for his mom.

He wonders if it’s because Philip can sense that John has a pure heart—Alex knows his heart has already been blackened by many different negative feelings. Whatever his sons’s reason may be, he’s just happy that he’s expanding his small world. He wants him to rely on adults while he’s a child, something he never got to experience when he was a child himself.

He stands up and stretches his limbs. Now’s not the time to dillydally. He needs to finish his meeting with the client early, so that he can come home early and play with his son. He heads to the bath to freshen up. He can’t come to the meeting looking like he hasn’t slept in days—even if that’s the truth.

* * *

 

Alex likes taking cold showers, except when it’s wintertime and the temperature is in the negatives. But he loves staying in the shower, letting cold water rush through him, and he thinks. He thinks about his pending cases at work and he thinks about the next essay he’s going to write. He thinks about the injustices happening in the world, especially to the minorities like him, and what he can do to stop them. He also thinks about Philip’s future and how he can support him.

That day, Alex still thinks, but instead of the usual topics, his train of thought drifts to a certain someone, who’s in the room adjacent to the apartment’s only bathroom. He thinks about his curly hair, his hazel eyes, and his freckles. He can’t help but wonder where else he has freckles, aside from his face. Does he have them on his arms too? Alex didn’t get to see earlier since he’s wearing a plaid shirt that covers his arms.

But Alex wants to know. He wants to know more about John Laurens, who seems to know a lot about him. He wants to know why he blushes a lot around Alexander. He wants to know more.

After a long time of brooding, he turns the knob of the shower, switching it off. He grabs the towel hanging from one of the racks and ties it around his waist. He walks to the sink and thoroughly brushes his teeth before finally heading out of the bathroom.

He’s still dripping wet when he steps out of the bathroom. As if on cue, the door to Pip’s room opens and John steps out. “Mr. Hamil—“ John cuts himself off abruptly and Alex sees his eyes travel from his face to his bare chest to the flimsy piece of cloth around his waist. He sees John’s tongue dart out to lick his lower lip and he sees his Adam’s apple bob up and down.

“I told you to call me Alex,” he says with a smirk.

John’s eyes snap to Alex face and the look he sends him is a mixture of shock and embarrassment. “Mr. Ha—“

“Alex,” he reiterates and leans on the door.

“Alex,” John finally concedes and he looks away from him, face turning red, making his freckles stand out more.

“What did you want to talk about?” he inquires and crosses his arms. Alex hopes he looks cool and not stupid.

John clears his throat and still refuses to look at him. “Uhm,” he starts, “I think it might be better if you get dressed first?”

Alex blinks and a short moment of silence passes before he realizes that he actually _doesn’t_ look cool. He looks like a stupid, perverted man, especially with his bloodshot eyes. “Oh,” he says, cheeks also starting to turn red with embarrassment. “Give me a minute.” He quickly heads to his room and shuts it close.

He’s always been proud of how intelligent he is, but he can’t believe he acted like an idiot because of a (cute) man named John Laurens!

He hurriedly dries himself and gets dressed. It’s just a simple and usual suit, but it looks more proper than his sweatpants and baggy shirt. He takes a tie from his very small collection of ties—he only has three—and clumsily puts it on. He’s a genius who can’t tie ties. He hates wearing ties because they make him feel shackled and he’s always gotten away with not wearing one. But this time, Washington reminded him to wear one, so he has no choice but to wear it.

He used to ask for assistance from Eliza when they were still together or from his best friend, Lafayette, when he was around, but since both of them are not present at the moment, he has no choice but to fiddle with it until it looks slightly presentable.

He looks at himself in the mirror and nods. He’s wearing a suit and his hair is neatly tied in a bun. He still has bags under his eyes, but he can’t really do anything about them anymore. He grabs his suitcase and leaves his room.

He stands in front of Philip’s room and takes a deep breath before opening it. He sees his son and John lying down on their stomachs on the floor and working on a coloring book. The redhead and brunette raise their heads when they hear the door open and Philip grins when he sees him.

“Hi, daddy!”

Alex smiles. “Hey, Pip. You having fun?”

The kid bobs his head up and down happily and says, “Uncle John is better at coloring than you, daddy.”

Alex snorts. He’s actually not good at art, so it’s understandable. “Well, can I borrow your Uncle John for a moment?”

Philip pouts, but nods his head anyway. “Just for a moment, okay? We’re busy here.”

Alex chuckles and he sees John sending his son a sweet smile. He gestures for the babysitter to follow him outside and he complies. They stand outside of the room, but they leave the door open. “What did you want to talk about with me?”

John suddenly looks nervous and he licks his lower lip. He hesitates before saying, “You probably don’t mind, but I just want to get it out of the way in case you actually have problems with it. So if you do have a problem with it, I can just walk away and you can forget me and I can—“

“Hey, calm down,” Alex says and smiles at him encouragingly. Usually, it’s him who gets told to calm down, so it’s a bit weird to be the one to tell someone else to do it.

John takes a deep breath and looks at Alex in the eyes. “I’m gay,” he says slowly.

Alex nods and smiles at him unfalteringly. “Thanks for trusting me. And don’t worry. I won’t judge you. I won’t tell you to get out of my house. Also, I’m bi.”

The babysitter lets out the breath he’s been holding and leans on the wall for support. “Thank God.”

Alex looks at him in the eyes and feels his hazel orbs sucking him in once again. John also looks straight at him without averting his gaze, a small smile on his face. Their sweet moment is broken when Philip whines loudly, “Daddy!”

He turns to his son, who is dragging his bunny plushie by the ear. “What’s up, Pip?”

“Can you return to Uncle John to me now?” he whines as he sticks close to John.

Alex grins and reaches out to pat Philip’s head. “You really like John, huh?”

Pip nods and hugs John’s leg. “Yes! Bye, daddy!” He starts pulling at John’s leg, making the older man laugh. He bends down to pick up the boy, who immediately wraps his arms around his neck.

Alex looks at the pair and smiles. “Hey, aren’t you going to give me a goodbye kiss?”

John’s eyes widen and he looks at him in alarm. “What?”

“A goodbye kiss?” Alex repeats slowly, not understanding the situation.

A small blush makes its way to John’s cheeks as he echoes, “Kiss?”

He realizes that the older man thinks he wants a goodbye kiss from him and not his son. Alex bites his lower lip, trying his hardest not to laugh loudly.

“Oh, yeah!” Pip chirps. He turns to his dad and holds out his hands.

John stays still for a moment before finally breathing out, “Oh,” realization finally dawning on him. “You meant Pip,” he says in a small voice. He walks closer to Alex to help Pip give his father a goodbye kiss.

Alex watches in amusement as John’s face turns redder with each passing second. The older man’s face is turned to side as he avoids meeting Alex’s eyes. He gives Pip a kiss on the forehead before turning to John and asking him, “Do you want one too?”

John turns to him with wide eyes and burning cheeks. When their eyes meet, he looks away. He shakes his head vehemently, a few curls escaping from his ponytail. “Have a safe trip, Mr. Hamilton,” he squeaks out and hugs Pip tightly.

“I told you to call me Alex,” he reminds him. “No need to be so formal.” He pats the older man on the shoulder and then pinches his son’s cheek. “I’ll be back before you know it. Take care of John, will you, Pip?”

Philip beams at him and throws his arms around his babysitter’s neck. “See you, daddy!”

“Bye, Alex,” John says in a small voice, making him Alex smile widely.

John and Philip see him to the door and Alex thinks he can get used to something like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! Comments are greatly appreciated. Thank you very much for reading!


	3. of drawings, Chinese food, and misunderstandings

John closes the door behind Alexander with a small smile. He feels like a husband seeing off his husband while carrying their child in his arms. He turns to Philip, who is staring at him intensely. “What’s up, Pip?” he asks gently. He has a feeling that the kid is starting to miss his father and maybe he’s feeling a little apprehensive being left with a stranger he just met.

The child shakes his head and wraps his arms around his neck. He leans on John’s broad chest and whispers, “I miss daddy.”

John feels warmth envelop his heart and he pulls the child closer to him. He’s grateful that he trusts him, but he knows that he can’t replace his father while he’s away. “You didn’t want daddy to go, but you still didn’t stop him?” He walks back to Philip’s room, the child still clinging to him. “You’re a big, strong boy, aren’t you, Pip?”

He puts Philip down on the bed and kneels in front of him. He looks at his watery eyes and says sincerely, “I’m sure daddy’s so proud of you. I know I am.”

He wipes away the boy’s tears and Pip sniffs. “Mommy said daddy’s busy with work because he’s trying to help people,” he says and rubs his eyes. “But I want to play with daddy everyday. Am I a bad boy?”

John shakes his head and gently cups Pip’s face with his hands. “Pip, listen to Uncle John, okay? You’re not a bad boy. Daddy won’t get mad if you tell him you want him to stay. If daddy really needs to go, he’ll tell you, but if he stays with you, it means it’s okay. You’re more important than his job.”

The boy nods and John is thankful that he’s very easy to talk to. He loves children, but it’s his first time taking care of them. He has been thinking of adopting a child with his future partner someday—it’s still very far off in the future since he doesn’t even have a partner yet—and after meeting Pip, he can’t help but feel excited. He knows not all children are like Philip, but he knows that they all deserve to be loved and cared for.

He pinches Pip’s nose, making him giggle. “A smile looks better on you, so give Uncle John your biggest smile, yeah?”

Philip nods and beams brightly at him. He opens his arms, indicating that he wants a hug, and John follows suit. Pip closes the distance between them and John envelops the little boy in a tight hug. “What do you want to do next?”

Philip thinks for a moment before he jumps off the bed and heads towards his desk. He takes a sketchpad and a pencil and walks to John. He gives him a shy smile and asks, “Can you draw for me?”

John grins and takes the drawing materials from the kid. “I thought you’d never ask.” He rifles through cute drawings of animals and people until he comes to a blank page. He starts sketching and Pip sits down beside him, quietly peering over what he’s drawing.

John has an MA in Painting from the Royal College of Art in England. In his youth, he joined various competitions and won most of them. As an adult, he has held exhibitions in South Carolina, his hometown, and in England and Switzerland, where he was educated.

He is one of the most sought-after painters and his paintings usually sell for thousands of dollars. But he always donates the money he receives to human rights organizations and movements and only keeps enough for himself to pay for his needs and art materials.

John grew up in a wealthy family, so he got used to getting everything he wanted at an early age. It wasn’t until he was sent to Geneva for boarding school that he realized that the way he was acting wasn’t exactly honorable. Little by little, he started to change and, at present, while he still splurges sometimes, he’s decided to not get attached to material things.

He lives for art. It’s something he’s so passionate about that he can’t bring himself to think about a life without it. He spends most of his time sketching or painting. He never leaves home without his sketchpad.

Until a few months ago, that is.

John has recently lost his drive to make art. It’s not because he’s tired of it—he’ll never get tired of it—he just doesn’t feel inspired enough to make something, anything. Ideas used to overflow in his heart and mind, but now, picking up a brush has become more of a chore. He manages to make a few pieces, but none of them is good enough for him. His clients are happy with his works, since the quality of his works are still excellent, but he’s not satisfied.

John is in a slump.

He has a bunch of artist friends who got into a slump and they still haven’t managed to get out of it. After hearing their tales, he got worried that he’d never recover, so he thought a change of scenery might do him some good. After a month of contemplation, he decided to move to New York.

He met Peggy a few weeks after he moved. He was strolling around Central Park when a woman with curly brown hair came bounding up to him and screaming, “I’m your biggest fan!” They instantly hit it off when he realized that Peggy wasn’t just _his_ fan, but a lover of art in general. They started meeting frequently after that and he disclosed his current problem. She recommended that he start doing some side jobs, saying that they might give him the burst of inspiration he needs.

Which is why he finds himself sitting on the floor of his crush’s son’s bedroom, holding a pencil and drawing with vigor, something he hasn’t done in a long time. He thinks that Peggy's right. He really feels inspired now, for some reason. He draws a pair of eyes, a nose, and lips with ease. He glances at Pip, who’s leaning on his thigh and staring at his sketch intently. He grins and starts adding freckles to the face and Pip gasps, “That’s me!”

“Really, huh?” he teases, adding finishing touches on the drawing. He adds his signature on the side and hands it to Pip, who gleefully takes it. He can see the happiness in the boy’s eyes and he remembers how good it feels when someone acknowledges something he worked hard on.

“Amazing, Uncle John!” he squeals, eyes glued to the drawing. “It’s me!”

John laughs and ruffles Pip’s hair, who isn’t fazed at all. “I’m glad you like it.”

“Can I have this?” he asks softly. He shyly looks at John with a tiny smile.

John gestures for him to sit on his lap and the child obliges. “It’s my gift,” he tells him. He thinks that if Pip asks him to draw a hundred more portraits of him today, he’ll willingly do it.

Pip looks at him excitedly and asks, “For?”

“For being a good boy,” John answers, making the little boy grin. It’s a simple gesture, but he’s still glad the little boy likes it. He wants him to learn to appreciate the simple and little things in life because those are what will push him to stay positive even when things go awry. It’s something he learned from his late mother. 

The little boy gently puts down the sketchpad before throwing his arms around him and whispering, “Thank you, Uncle John.”

John hugs him and whispers back, “You’re welcome, Pip.”

* * *

John and Philip are building a makeshift ship in the living room—the kid assured him that his father definitely _won’t_ get angry for making a mess of the room—when John’s phone buzzes. He glances at his phone on the coffee table, but ignores it for the meantime. He ties one end of the blanket around the coffee table and the other end around the lampshade to make it look like the sail of the ship.

“Captain Pip, can I check my phone?” he asks with a salute.

Pip giggles and salutes back. “Yes, Sailor John!” He goes back to pretending to steer the ship’s imaginary wheel while peering through his toy binoculars.

John grins at how adorable the little boy looks and grabs his phone from the table. He realizes that he received a text from his crush, Alex. Before checking the message, he changes the registered name on his phone from Mr. Hamilton to Mr. Hamilton <3.

**To: John**

**From: Mr. Hamilton <3**

**Message: I’m bringing home Chinese food. You good with that? I’ll be there in a few.**

John has never actually tried Chinese takeout food before. Back when he still lived with his family, his mother usually cooked for the family. But when she passed away and he was sent to Europe, he ate the dorm and school’s cafeteria food. And ever since he returned to the US, he’s been cooking for himself or he dines out.

He’s pretty excited at the prospect of being able to try something new even when he’s already 30 years old and he should have been experienced enough. He’s about to send a message saying that he’s not just fine with it, he’s actually looking forward to it, when he catches a glimpse of a picture frame hanging on the wall near the TV. He stands up, leaving Captain Pip’s ship, and walks towards it.

It’s a photo of Alex, a very small Pip, and a beautiful woman, whom John assumes is Pip’s mom and Alex’s wife. He feels like someone stabbed his chest when he sees how happy they look. He knows he doesn’t have a chance and, in the first place, he shouldn’t be looking for a chance. He admits that he got his hopes up when Alex flirted with him that morning, but he realizes that it was probably just Alex being friendly. There was no deeper meaning to it and John’s the only one expecting something more.

He continues staring at the photo, feeling lonelier and more hurt with each passing minute. Mrs. Hamilton seems to be a very sweet and kind woman. Peggy only mentioned her sisters and their families in passing as they were too busy discussing art to actually get to know each other. But if Mrs. Hamilton is anything like her sister and her son, then John’s sure that she’s probably among the best of women.

He hears keys jingling outside the apartment and the door opens immediately after. Alex enters the room, a big smile on his face. He’s carrying plastic bags of Chinese food and another from a convenience store and they look out of place with his suit and suitcase, but John thinks he looks charming.

“Daddy!” Philip screams and runs towards his father, the binoculars around his neck bouncing and his makeshift cape fluttering behind him. John told him sailors don’t really have capes, but the kid insisted on having one because it will make him look cooler.

“Hey, Pip,” Alexander greets his child and kisses his forehead. “Had a great day?” He turns to him and flashes a smile, making John’s knees buckle. “Hey,” he says.

“Welcome home,” he says meekly, a blush forming in his cheeks. He feels like he’s a schoolboy who’s fallen in love for the first time instead of being a 30-year old man who’s done more than fall in love. He takes the bags from Alexander, who looks at him gratefully.

John puts the bags down on the table as Alex bends down and picks up his child. He surveys the messy room, making John feel nervous. “You guys look like you had so much, huh?”

Philip nods and says excitedly, “I’m the captain of my ship and Uncle John is my subinate!”

“Don’t you mean subordinate?” Alex laughs as he puts Philip down. The moment his feet touch the ground, he runs back towards his ship and screams, “All aboard!”

He turns to John and smiles warmly at him. “Thanks for taking care of my kid,” he says.

John can stare at Alex’s brown eyes forever, but from his peripheral vision, he sees the photo of the happy family, reality kicking him right in the face. “No problem, Mr. Hamilton,” he says. “It’s my job.” He notices Alex’s eyebrows twitch and he looks like he’s trying to keep the smile on his face. He wants to assure him that he actually _loves_ taking care of Pip. He’s only been with him for about six hours, but he already loves him as if he’s his own child.

But Alex has a family. He knows Alex is an orphan—he read it in an article about Alex working pro bono for an orphanage that was about to be shut down—and he knows how much he treasures having a family. He’s not going to come in between him and his wife.

Alex clears his throat awkwardly. “But still, thank you,” he says sincerely. “Well, do you want to have an early dinner with us? You didn’t reply to my text.”

“I don’t want to intrude—“ he starts, but Philip, who, for some reason, is already standing beside them and pulling their hands, cuts him off. “Uncle John, will you eat with us?”

“Well, John, will you?” Alex asks him, smirking.

John finds himself pouting unconsciously. It’s unfair that Alex is using his kid to make him agree. It’s unfair that Pip is too cute to say no to. It’s unfair that Alex is too gorgeous to reject. “Okay,” he says softly and the father and son duo cheer.

Philip runs to the table and opens the bags. “Yummy food!” he announces and tries to bring out the containers from the bags.

Alex rushes to the table to help him out, not wanting any of the food to spill. He looks at John and smiles. “Do you want to watch a movie while we’re eating?”

He stays glued to the floor for a moment, just appreciating the father and son and even secretly wishing that he’ll be part of the family someday. He knows it’s absurd—he just met them. He shouldn’t be having these thoughts.

_Alexander Hamilton has a wife. Philip Hamilton has a mother_ , he thinks to himself.

“John?”

The way Alex says his name sends a shiver down his spine. He smiles and walks to the two of them and helps prepare the food on the table. The blanket is still tied around the leg of the coffee table, but he doesn’t dismantle it, not wanting to upset the little kid.

“A movie would be nice,” he says softly.

“Alright!” Alex says with a grin and gets up to play a movie on the TV. “I hope you don’t mind Disney films. Pip loves Disney.”

John watches him and comes to a decision. This will be the first and last time he’ll go to the Hamilton household. This will be the first and last time he’ll babysit Philip. He turns to the little kid and sees him looking at him worriedly. “What’s up, Pip?”

“You’re sad, Uncle John,” he says and a pout situates itself on his lips.

John reaches out to him, asking for a hug, and Pip complies as the familiar Disney opening billboard plays on the TV. Alex emerges from the kitchen holding a pitcher of iced tea and a glass and looks at the two of them hugging.

He grins and jokes, “Hey, I want a hug too.”

John normally would have blushed at that, but he’s too sad to actually feel anything else. He just gives him a small smile and then let’s go of Philip. “Let’s eat?” he asks.

Alex looks at him weirdly before shrugging and then sits on the floor beside Pip. “I’ve got iced tea for Pip and some beer for us,” he says, setting the pitcher down. “Unless you want some iced tea too?”

“I could use a drink,” John says honestly and reaches out to grab two can of beer from the plastic from the convenience store. He hands a can to Alex, who smiles at him gratefully and winks.

He ignores it.

The movie starts and John finds himself bobbing his head to the songs from _Moana_ as they eat dinner. He was so excited about eating Chinese takeout for the first time, but now that he’s eating it, he’s too sad to appreciate the taste.

The movie ends and John is in tears. He doesn’t know if it’s because of the film or if it’s because of something else. He awkwardly wipes away his tears and sneaks a glance at Alex, hoping he didn’t see him crying. To his surprise, he sees him staring at him intently, a small smile on his lips. “What?”

Alex shakes his head, smile still in place. He stands up and dusts his pants. “Hey, do you mind cleaning up the table? I’ll just bring Pip to his room.”

John looks at the sleeping Pip and smiles. He doesn’t know when the kid moved to the sofa, having been too engrossed with the film and his thoughts. He turns to Alex and smiles. “Sure.”

Alex bends down to pick up his son and John watches him move about the dark room, with only the TV being the source of light in the room. When Alex disappears to Pip’s room, he starts cleaning up the empty containers and putting them back in the plastic bags. By the time Alex returns, the table’s already cleaned and John is tidying up the room.

“Do you have plans for tomorrow?”

John turns to Alex in surprise. “I don’t,” he answers quickly before realizing that he’s already resolved to not meet the Hamiltons ever again. “I mean—“

“That’s great!” Alex exclaims and sits down beside John, leaving a bit of space that John is thankful for. “What do you think about watching another movie? We still have some beer too.” 

He sends John a smile that tugs at his heartstrings and even if he knows that he has to say no, he still says, “Yeah, sure.”

Alex plays _Titanic_ and John settles comfortably on the carpet, leaning against the couch. Alex returns to his side after setting up the movie, this time sitting very close to him, with their elbows touching. He takes the blanket John used to make a makeshift sail for Philip and covers themselves with it. John sends him a quick smile before he faces the TV again. They watch the movie in silence while drinking their beer.

The next thing John knows, Alexander has already fallen asleep and is leaning on his shoulder. He tries to ignore the sudden warmth on his side and focuses on the film. Jack is drawing Rose and he can’t help but imagine himself drawing Alex. Before his thoughts can escalate, he shakes his head and chugs on his beer.

When Alex stirs slightly, he stiffens before relaxing completely. He leans his head on Alex’s, thinking of removing it after the movie ends. But as the movie progresses, John’s eyesight starts to get bleary, until he closes his eyes and loses himself to sleep.

* * *

John hears a door swinging open and he feels light shining down on him. He scrunches his face and covers his eyes, ungrateful for the sudden intrusion. He groans and shifts around. He feels something warm lying beside him and cuddles closer to it.

“Oh,” he hears someone say.

He plans on ignoring it and going back to sleep, but he remembers the events that transpired the night before, forcing him to sit up in alarm.

He looks beside him and sees Alexander still sleeping soundly. He doesn’t even have time to appreciate how adorable he looks while sleeping as he starts going on panic mode. He slowly turns to the door, dread filling him up.

Mrs. Hamilton is standing by the door.

John pales and feels the strength leave his body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a bit late, sorry! I've busy with work and I've been sick for the past few days. This hasn't been proofread, so my apologies for the mistakes!
> 
> I also suck at naming chapters, hahaha. Sorry about that.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Thank you for reading!


	4. of paintings and broken resolutions

John immediately stands up, eyes on the floor. He takes his phone and wallet from the table and hurriedly pockets them. A million questions start racing in his head. _How’d we end up lying beside each other? What time is it? Where’s Philip? What does Mrs. Hamilton think? Did I mess up?_

“You must be John Laurens,” Mrs. Hamilton says, startling John.

He raises his eyes—his father taught him that it’s rude to not look at people in the eyes when you’re talking to them—and meets Mrs. Hamilton’s. She’s looking at him kindly and John’s heart sinks. “Yes,” he answers timidly. He feels so small next to Mrs. Hamilton. Yes, he’s bigger than her physically, but she seems to be so much better than him in every other aspect.

She also has Alexander’s heart.

Her husband stirs in his sleep, mumbling about how much work there is to be done, and John looks at him in alarm. “Uhm,” he starts, “I have to go. I have some work to do.”

“Oh,” Mrs. Hamilton says with a small pout. “But how about you have breakfast with us first? Let me wake Alexander—“

“No,” he intervenes, perhaps a bit too quickly, if the confused look on her face says anything. “I mean, thanks, I appreciate it, but he also looks tired. He went to work yesterday, and I’m pretty sure you know that, I don’t even know why I’m even telling you when you’re his—“ he stops himself and then takes a deep breath. He manages a small smile and tells the beautiful woman, “I appreciate the thought, but I’m in a hurry. Thanks for having me. Goodbye, Mrs. Hamilton.”

He smiles at her again before carefully stepping around Alexander then heading towards the door. He hears Mrs. Hamilton call out, “Mr. Laurens!” but he ignores her and runs away from the apartment.

Away from Alexander Hamilton.

* * *

 

When John Laurens gets home, he kicks off his shoes and lays down, sprawled on his bed. He buries his face in his pillow and reflects.

He thinks he’s starting to fall in love. It’s usually a nice and giddy feeling, but it’s not when you’ve fallen for someone who’s _married with a child_. John feels that he’s very unlucky when it comes to love. He just wants to love and be loved, but fate obviously has other plans for him.

Before things can escalate even further and before John starts crying over Alex, he decides to forget him. And he decides that the best way to do so is to cut off all connections with him. Unfortunately, it also means he needs to cut off Peggy, his first friend in New York, from his life, but he’s not taking any chances.

He’s upset that he won’t get to see Philip’s adorable smiles ever again. He’s sad that he won’t ever get to draw for him again and watch how he lights up when he starts to recognize what or who he’s drawing.

He’s heartbroken that he won’t ever get to see Alexander Hamilton again.

But it’s a sacrifice that he’s willing to make for his sanity. He takes his phone from pocket and raises it to his face. As if on cue, it starts ringing. When John sees the caller ID, he feels his heart fall. He sits up on his bed and takes a deep breath.

**Calling: Mr. Hamilton <3**

He hesitantly presses the reject button, ending the call. Before John can unlock his phone, it starts ringing again. Alex is calling him again. This time, with more finality, he presses the reject button. He hurriedly opens his phone, scrolls through his contacts, and blocks Alex’s number. He ends up blocking Peggy’s number too. He opens his Facebook and blocks Peggy on it too.

He’s not taking any chances.

If there’s one positive thing he got from this whole affair, it’s that he’s now inspired. He stands up from his bed and trudges out of his bedroom to his studio. He turned his living room into his studio, since he rarely has any visitors anyway. If he does end up having people over, they can always stay in the kitchen-slash-dining room.

His apartment is actually pretty big. The rent isn’t cheap, but with the money he gets from just one painting (before he donates it), it’s not really hard on him. He’s already paid for a whole year of rent, plus the deposit, to get it out of the way. His apartment has two bedrooms, one bathroom, a decent kitchen/dining room, and spacious living room. He was originally going to make one of the bedrooms into his studio, but it was too tiny. He uses it as a storage room for his unsold paintings and canvases.

He grabs one of the canvases that he’s already prepared lying around and sets it on his easel. He’s decided to make a portrait of Alexander. He starts squeezing paint on his palette. Red, blue, green, yellow first—colors that perfectly represent Alexander’s spirit.

Alexander is an enigma. John doesn’t know if he’ll ever get to express him through a painting, something so still, when Alex is a big ball of energy, always in motion and never static.

John doesn’t know, but he may as well die trying.

Without a hint of hesitation, he dips his brush onto the colors on his palette and starts to paint. He hopes Alexander won’t mind him painting him.

_Not that he’ll ever find out_ , he thinks wryly as his hand moves across the canvas. _We’ll never see each other again after all._

* * *

 

John doesn’t know how many days have passed since he met the Hamiltons and, subsequently, went into hiding. He resolved to ignoring his phone—unknown numbers kept calling him and he assumed it was Peggy or Alex using different phones—until it just stopped ringing and buzzing altogether. When John checked, the battery was already empty. He decided not to charge it.

He sleeps when he feels sleepy. He eats when he’s hungry. He uses the bathroom from time to time and he showers when he feels icky and sweaty. He knows it’s not a healthy lifestyle, but he gets like that sometimes, when he’s too focused on his work.

He’s already finished his first portrait of Alexander and he’s working on his fourth. While he likes drawing portraits to pass time, he’s never taken it very seriously. He usually paints impressionistic landscapes and wildlife—abstracts, if the client requests—but he has barely done portraits. Perhaps it’s because he’s never actually found a subject interesting enough to paint.

Until he met Alexander, that is.

The first portrait he made is an impressionistic bust painting of Alexander. John made sure to add the signature bags under his eyes. The eye bags have been present way before he met him, when he just looked at his photos in online articles about his deeds. Besides, John thinks they make him more attractive. The Alexander in the painting is looking at the side, showing only three-quarters of his face, and wearing a lopsided grin. He looks like he’s judging someone.

The second portrait is a half-body charcoal drawing of a slumbering Alexander. He’s hugging a notebook and a pen lies discarded beside him. The third one is another impressionistic bust painting. He’s facing forward and his eyes are closed. There are petals of different colors scattered around him and the painting gives a serene feeling overall.

The portrait he’s currently working on is of Alex and Philip. They’re playing in the living room, which looks exactly like the Hamiltons’ living room. They’re standing on the couch, their makeshift ship, and Philip is steering the ship’s imaginary wheel while Alex is looking through binoculars.

He reaches for the white paint, but realizes that he’s already run out of it. With a sigh, he puts down his palette and goes to the cabinet where he keeps his paints. He rummages through it for a while, but he realizes that there isn’t any left. He takes note of the paints he’s already run out of.

He looks back at the painting then down at himself. He took a bath a few hours ago, but he already looks like a mess. His shirt (he doesn’t like wearing aprons) is splattered with paint. He probably has some on his hair and face too. His father taught him to always look presentable, but right now, there’s something important he needs to do, more important that keeping up appearances.

He needs to buy paint.

He goes to his room and takes his wallet and keys. He quickly checks the time on the clock on his bedside table—it’s 6PM and apparently, it’s already a Friday—and then goes on his way. He makes sure to lock the door. He doesn’t want anyone stealing his paintings of Alex and Pip.

The art shop is, luckily, only a ten-minute walk from his apartment. It’s one of the reasons why he decided to move into that apartment. They have everything John can ever wish for. He likes priming and stretching his own canvas, so it really helps that the store has raw canvas, gesso, and materials for the frame, all in different shapes, sizes, and types.

A breeze blows past him, making him shiver slightly. He’s only wearing a thin shirt and realizes that he should have put on a light cardigan, at least. It’s already the middle of September and the temperature is starting to drop. It’s still not cold enough for coats and scarves, but it’s too cold for thin shirts.

He starts walking briskly to the art shop, not wanting to spend another moment outside. He pushes open the door to the shop and enters, sighing when he realizes the temperature is more bearable inside. He grabs a shopping basket and walks straight to the paints section, being very familiar with the place. He takes bottles of white paint of his favorite brand and places them on the basket. He starts checking out the other paints and takes other colors that he knows he’s running low on.

He’s about to head to the counter when he hears a familiar voice call out to him. “Uncle John!”

He whips his head and sees Philip bounding up to him, Peggy following close behind. He wants to run away and hide, but he doesn’t want to upset the little boy. He puts down his basket and crouches on the floor, arms open. Pip grins and tackles him with a big hug.

“I missed you!” he squeals.

John laughs—a genuine laugh—and says while petting Pip’s red curls, “I missed you too, Pip.”

“Aunt Peggy said you’re busy,” he says with a pout. “But I’m a good boy, so I painly waited.” Pip is looking at him with eyes full of love and admiration that John feels like he’s being blessed for all the good things he’s done in his life.

“Patiently,” Peggy corrects him, having finally caught up to them. “But not everyone is patient like you, Pip.”

She glares at John, making him laugh sheepishly. He stands up and offers an apologetic smile. “Hey, Pegs.”

“Don’t call me that,” she says, voice full of menace. She turns to Pip and her features soften. “Pip, do you want to go around the shop while I talk with your Uncle John?”

Pip, who is clutching John’s pant leg, frowns at her aunt. “You’re going to have a dull talk?”

She smiles at the little boy and pinches his nose. “Adult talk, Pip. And yes, we are.”

“I wanna grow up soon,” he announces and reluctantly lets of John’s pants. He latches onto his hand and pulls it softly. “Don’t go, okay?”

“I promise,” John says, placating the child. Pip grins and runs to the aisle where the coloring books are. “So what’s this dull talk about?” John jokes, hoping that it will lighten the atmosphere. He’s only known Peggy for a few months, but he feels like he already knows the woman inside and out.

And, as he expected, she punches his arm, making him groan in pain. “That’s for making Pip cry,” she growls. She hits him again and says, “That’s for blocking me _and_ unfriending me on Facebook.”

Her punches weren’t actually painful and he was just exaggerating. He knows that if she wants to, she can knock him out with a single punch, but that’s not really what she wants to do. “I’m sorry,” he says sincerely. He looks at her in the eyes and offers a small, awkward smile.

She sighs and pushes him gently in jest. “Don’t say sorry. I know there’s a reason you disappeared.” She looks at him and smiles. “And even if you have no valid excuse for suddenly going MIA, it’s still okay. You don’t owe us anything.” She crosses her arms and raises a brow, as if she’s waiting for him to challenge her.

John realizes how grateful he is that Peggy’s his friend. “Thanks, Pegs,” he says softly. He turns to the shelf beside them and busies himself by checking out the paintbrushes. “I’m... okay, I guess. It’s just been a bit difficult."

“Anything I can do to help?” she asks.

He stares at her for a long time. He shakes his head and says, “Nah.” He can’t really ask Peggy, who’s the sister of Mrs. Hamilton, about Alexander. And now that he’s had time to think about it, he thinks that he wants to remain friends with Peggy and maybe he can even babysit Philip from time to time. He doesn’t have to cut off Peggy and Pip just because he doesn’t want to meet Alexander and Mrs. Hamilton ever again.

Peggy pinches his arm, making him hiss in pain. He swats her hand away and she laughs. “Stop overthinking things, Laurens.”

Philip comes bounding towards them even before he can formulate a reply. He’s holding a coloring book tightly to his chest, a wide grin on his small, freckled face. “Aunt Peggy! Uncle John! Look!” he squeals. He stops in front of them and raises the book for the two adults to see. He shows them a coloring book about animals.

“That’s adorable! Do you want it?” John asks. He crouches down to look at Pip eye-level and reaches out to ruffle his curls.

The little boy smiles at him shyly before nodding. “Yeah. Aunt Peggy said I could get one.”

John smiles—he thinks that Philip has the ability to make just about anyone smile—and tells him, “Want Uncle John to buy it for you?”

Pip looks at him hesitantly before raising his head to look at Peggy. John looks up at his friend, who shrugs and says, “As long as Pip’s happy, I’m good.”

John faces the little boy, who is grinning at him like he just saw a miracle happen right before his eyes. He breaks into a grin again and gingerly takes the book from the boy and places it in his shopping basket. He takes Philip in his arms, making him squeal in delight, and picks up the basket. He thinks that the time he spent in the gym when he was dating Kinloch, a gym instructor, was worth it. Maybe it was the only good thing he got out of that relationship.

They head to the checkout counter and Peggy assists him, since he’s carrying Pip with the other hand. The checkout clerk looks at them in surprise and says, “Oh, Mr. Laurens, I didn’t know you were married.”

Peggy bursts into laughter and John looks at her, slightly offended. “That’s rude, Pegs,” he chides. He looks at the clerk and smiles at her. “I’m not married. This is Peggy, my friend—“

“I’m his fan,” she supplies in between giggles.

“And this sweet boy here is Philip, Peggy’s nephew,” he explains. _He’s also my crush’s son_ , he thinks, but there’s really no need to explain that to the clerk. She most likely won’t care.

“Also, I’m a lesbian,” Peggy says confidently. He turns to her in awe. She really never fails to surprise him. She’s four years younger than him, but he feels like she’s his senior in life. She’s strong, independent, and admirable. He wonders if all three of the Schuyler sisters have those traits.

The clerk nods politely at Peggy while she’s checking out the items. John takes a deep breath and says softly, “And I’m gay.” The clerk looks at him and John isn’t able to discern the look she’s giving him, but then she smiles at him and he finally calms down.

Pip rests his head on his shoulder as if to comfort him. He probably doesn’t understand what they’re talking about, but John thinks the little boy can feel his slight distress. He pats the boy’s back with his free hand and Pip snuggles closer.

John thanks the clerk after paying for their items while Peggy takes the bags of merchandise. They leave the store and he puts the little boy down. He takes the bags from Peggy, who gratefully hands them to him. Pip isn’t too happy about being put down though, so he pouts and clings onto his leg again. “Can Uncle John come home with us?” he asks sadly.

John looks at Peggy in alarm, seeking help. He doesn’t want to make the little boy sad, but he can’t go to the Hamilton household when it’s already past six in the evening and Alexander and Mrs. Hamilton are bound to be home already. “I’m kind of—“

“I think that’s a great idea, Pip,” Peggy says with a smirk. She raises her brow at him, challenging him. “We’re actually having dinner at my parents’ house today. My parents would love to meet you. They have a painting from your _Fauna_ collection.” She huffs and then says, “I was going to buy it, but they outbid me.”

John smiles and feels his body fill with warmth despite the cold temperature. “Thanks, Peggy. And thanks for the invitation, but I’d have to decline.”

“Decline?” Pip repeats and cocks his head to the side questioningly.

“It means John can’t go with us, Pip,” Peggy explains slowly. She is staring at the kid, gauging his reaction.

Philip deflates at her aunt’s explanation and he looks up at John with a frown and teary eyes. The sight immediately makes John feel guilty and he feels like his heart’s being pricked by a thousand needles mercilessly. Despite his initial resolution, he gives in. He sighs and says, “Fine, but I need to go back home and fix myself first.”

Pip cheers and hugs his leg and Peggy smirks at him. “Don’t worry. We can’t resist Philip either.” Peggy leans down and picks up the little kid. “I’ll just text you the address.”

“I wanna see Uncle John’s house!” Pip proclaims. He turns to his aunt and smiles brightly. John sees Peggy close her eyes, but she still sighs, affirming that there really is no one who can resist the little boy.

John smirks at Peggy, who glares at him. He shrugs and says, “My place is a mess, but I don’t mind having visitors.”

The little boy cheers again and they start the short walk to John’s house. He walks quickly, not wanting to stay out in the cold a second longer. Philip chatters enthusiastically, talking about his French classmate named Georges. Peggy matches John’s strides without so much of a sweat, while still carrying the little boy in her arms.

They finally reach John’s apartment and he hurriedly unlocks the front door. He ushers the two inside and he sighs when he finally steps inside the warm room. “I thought I was going to freeze out there,” he says and heads towards the kitchen to prepare some drinks for Peggy and Pip. He’s pouring orange juice onto glasses when he hears Pip squeal in delight.

“Aunt Peggy! It’s me and daddy!”

His grip on the carton of juice loosens and it falls on the counter, spilling juice everywhere, even on John. “Fuck,” he whispers under his breath as he rushes to where the pair is. Both of them are looking at the painting and Pip is leaning as close as he can without touching it. “Peggy, I can explain.”

Peggy turns to him and he thanks his lucky stars that she’s neither looking at him in disgust or anger. “Explain what?”

He swallows thickly and says, “The painting.” He actually doesn’t know how to explain why he has paintings of Peggy’s brother-in-law and nephew, but he can’t really leave things as is. He doesn’t want her to hate him and he doesn’t want the Hamiltons to hear about it either.

She looks at him weirdly. “It’s still unfinished, but I think it’s beautiful? I’m pretty sure you’ve never made portraits before, but you’re good at it?” She looks around the room and her eyes rest on the series of portraits of Alexander. Her mouth drops open and she looks at him in surprise. “Oh.”

John licks his lips nervously and scratches his arm. “I’m sorry.”

“You like him?” she whispers, careful not to let Philip hear.

John closes his eyes and bites his lower lip before answering softly, “Yeah.”

She shrugs and says, “Well, you’re not the first one to fall in love with him.”

“I’m not _yet_ in love with him.”

She ignores him. “I honestly don’t know what people see in him. I don’t know what my sister saw in him, I swear. He has such an unhealthy lifestyle,” she rants as she walks around the room checking out the paintings. She looks at John and smiles sincerely. “Alex is a douche, but at least he helped you pick up a brush and start painting again.”

John feels tears pricking his eyes and he really can’t help but feel thankful that he has a found a true friend in Margarita Schuyler. “Thanks, Peggy.”

“What’s a douche?” Pip asks innocently, looking at the two adults.

John and Peggy share a look and the Schuyler sister grins evilly before telling her nephew, “Tell your daddy he’s a douche and he’ll explain it to you.”

Pip nods his head before resuming his staring contest with the unfinished painting of him and his father. John chuckles and says, “You’re going to make Alexander cry.”

“And you’re going to make us late,” she says and pushes him to the direction of his bedroom and bathroom. “Take a shower, change your clothes, whatever, just make it quick.”

John walks towards the bathroom, deciding to take a quick shower. He spilled orange juice on himself, after all. He still doesn’t know how he’s going to face Alexander or Mrs. Hamilton. He doesn’t even know why he agreed in the first place. But he wants to look presentable tonight.

It’s the day he’ll get rejected, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope you enjoyed this because I enjoyed writing it! PIP IS AN ANGEL. He's adorable. I'll die for Pip. I love him so much. I also love the Schuyler sisters. I also love John Laurens.
> 
> Anyway, this hasn't been proofread (I'm really super busy. We have a concert coming up on Friday, so we have to manage the ticket sales and the marketing and stuff) or beta-read, since I don't have a beta-reader.
> 
> But I really hope you liked it! I'd appreciate it if you could leave a comment or a kudos! Thank you so much for reading and see you on the next chapter!


	5. of dinners and realizations

Alexander receives a message from Peggy telling him to come to the Schuyler household just as he’s clocking out of the office. He worked overtime and for a workaholic like him, it’s not really anything unusual. He just feels a bit guilty because it’s a Friday and he’s supposed to be bonding with his son already, but he had so much work to do and he was having fun. Before he knew it, it was already past 6 and he should have been home more than an hour ago.

He sighs as he boards the subway going to the Schuyler household. They actually live pretty near each other, which is very convenient for Philip. He doesn’t need to constantly adjust to his environment. But it’s also pretty awkward for Alexander when he randomly encounters Pip’s grandparents.

He has a good professional relationship with Senator Schuyler (he used to call him father, but that obviously changed when he hurt his daughter), but he rarely interacts with him when it doesn’t involve their line of work. Mrs. Schuyler is as kind as Eliza, but he avoids her too because he still feels guilty about what he’s done.

He’s been invited to the Schuyler household plenty of times, especially during the holidays because they know he doesn’t have anyone else, but he’s always politely declined. He’s not really part of the family anymore, after all. But this time, he has no choice but to go because he needs to pick up Philip and Peggy sent a rather suspicious message.

** To: Alexander **

** From: Pegs **

** Message: hey workaholic come have dinner w/ us there’s something you gotta see so you better come **

He knows how convincing the youngest Schuyler sister can be, but she’s never coerced him into doing something he really doesn’t want to do. But she sounds like she really wants him to go and Alexander is a very curious person. It’s going to be an extremely awkward dinner, but he’s just going to have to power through it.

He arrives at the Schuyler’s doorstep a few minutes after 7 in the evening. The doorman already rang him in, but before he knocks on the Schuyler’s door, he smooths his hair and adjusts his coat. He raps on the door twice and before he can do it a third time, the door opens to reveal his lovely ex-wife, Eliza. She grins and immediately pulls him into a hug. “Alexander, I’m so glad you could come.”

There’s a playful glint in her eye that he decides to ignore. He doesn’t know what she’s up to, but knowing her, it’s not going to be harmful. “Peggy forced me,” he jokes as he enters the apartment. It’s a far-cry from his two-bedroom apartment, but he really doesn’t need a big house when he spends more time in the office. “But thanks for the invitation.”

“Oh, you’ll be kissing my feet later,” Peggy singsongs as she walks towards him. She engulfs him in a hug and kisses his cheek. “It’s been forever since you’ve been here! Was the last time before you two got divorced?”

“Margarita Schuyler!”

Alex and the sisters turn to the hallway where Angelica, the eldest, is standing with her hand on her hip. She glares at Peggy, who laughs and hugs Eliza, before turning to Alex. Her gaze softens and she opens her arms as she walks towards him and gives him a big hug. “Alexander, I haven’t seen you in so long. It’s good to see you’re well.”

Alex returns the hug and says, “Angelica. How was London?”

Angelica laughs and answers, “Not as colorful as New York.”

After his affair, he and Angelica drifted apart. The eldest Schuyler sister loves her sisters more than she loves herself. She’s especially doting towards Eliza, who also happens to be the kindest and most forgiving among the three of them. She was extremely angry with Alexander for a while, but when Eliza finally found someone new, she finally started to forgive him. He knows he’ll never be completely forgiven for what he’s done—he still hasn’t forgiven himself either—but he’s still thankful.

“So, what’s this thing you want me to see?” he asks Peggy as they’re walking towards the dining hall.

“You’ll see,” Peggy says and all three sisters burst into laughter.

Alex is nervous, but he knows it can’t be that bad if Eliza’s in on it. He takes a deep breath and enters the hall right after Eliza. He doesn’t see his ex-parents-in-law, but he does see a familiar pair of hazel eyes looking at him.

The hazel eyes he’s been longing for for almost a whole week now. His heart thumps erratically in his chest as he tries not to run towards the beautiful, freckled man and hug him. “John,” he breathes out, but the older man immediately averts his gaze

He hears the three women giggle behind him, but he doesn’t mind them. John is right there in front of him and nothing else matters except for—

“Daddy!” Philip screams and waves at him enthusiastically.

Alex looks at his son, who’s sitting comfortably on John’s lap. He feels a bit guilty that he actually didn’t notice his son first, but he waves the thought away and grins. “Hey, Pip.”

The little kid jumps off and runs towards him with open arms. He catches him and slightly throws him in the air, making the kid laugh, before hugging him tightly. “How was your day?”

Pip launches into a long explanation about his extraordinary day and Alex hangs on to his every word, not wanting to miss a single syllable that escapes his child’s mouth. Pip is talking about Georges, his cool French classmate, when Mr. and Mrs. Schuyler enter the dining hall. Alex looks at them and nods to acknowledge their presence, which the elder Schuylers return with a smile. He turns back to his son, who’s now talking about Cotton, the pet rabbit at preschool.

“Uncle John said he’s gonna come to school to see Cotton,” Pip squeals and hugs his dad. “Uncle John is nice. I like him a lot.”

It takes everything in him to stop himself from replying, “Me too.”

“Alexander, good of you to join us,” Mr. Schuyler says as he sits down at the head of the table. “Have a seat.”

“Thank you, Mr. Schuyler,” he says and puts Pip down. He lets the little boy lead him towards John, who visibly stiffens. Alex, after the joy of seeing him again has passed, admittedly feels a bit resentful that John ignored him and left him hanging for a week. He doesn’t hate him, but he does feel hurt, so it makes him happy that John _is_ concerned about his presence.

“I told you to call me Philip,” Mr. Schuyler chastises with a small smile. “I believe you’ve met John?”

“Ah, yes,” he answers. He sits down on the empty seat beside John and looks at him. The older man averts his eyes and grabs a glass of water. “We’ve spent a night together,” he whispers so that only John can hear.

John chokes on the water he’s drinking and catches the attention of all the Schuylers in the room. Pip worriedly shouts, “Uncle John!” and jumps off his seat and rushes to check on his new favorite person.

He pats Pip’s head to reassure him and he clears his throat. “I babysat Pip last week,” he says. He looks at Mr. Schuyler directly, making it a point not to look at Alexander. “That’s where I met Mr. Hamilton.”

Alex feels a slight twinge in his heart at the unfamiliarity. He is about to retort and tell him to call him Alex like he used to, but an annoyed Peggy butts in.

“Okay, okay. Flashback later. I want to eat now,” Peggy says flatly, earning a chuckle Mr. Schuyler.

“Eliza, darling, if you can lead the prayer, please,” Mrs. Schuyler says gently.

It’s been a few years since Alex has had dinner with the Schuylers and he realizes that he actually missed it. The Schuylers are all wonderful and forgiving people, which really makes him even more guilty about what he’s done. They don’t seem to have anything against him anymore and they’ve all moved on and he prefers it that way. If there’s anyone who needs to bear the burden of his mistakes, it’s him.

He falls silent during the dinner, mindlessly listening to the chatter of the Schuyler sisters. He is very attracted to John Laurens and he’s already made up his mind to court him, but after experiencing the kindness of the Schuylers, especially Eliza, again, he suddenly thinks that he really doesn’t deserve to fall in love again. He doesn’t deserve someone as precious as John.

“Daddy?”

Alex snaps out of his gloomy train of thoughts and turns to his son, who is looking at him wide-eyed. “Yes, Pip?” he says and manages a smile.

“Daddy, you’re a douche,” he says innocently and smiles.

Everyone in the room goes quiet and Alex wonders if they can all hear the sound of his heart breaking. Suddenly, Peggy bursts into loud laughter and John chuckles softly beside him. Soon enough, everyone in the room is laughing while Philip looks around in confusion.

“Sweetie, where’d you learn that word?” Eliza asks softly, after they’ve all calmed down.

“Aunt Peggy called daddy a douche and I asked her and and and—“ Philip’s face falls and his eyes well up with tears before he finally starts crying loudly. Alex is surprised at his outburst and before he can start comforting him, he jumps off his seat and runs to John and hugs his legs tightly.

John picks him up without hesitation and the little boy buries his face on his shoulder. He gently pats the little boy’s back and whispers soothing words that Alex can’t hear.

The Schuylers don’t speak a single word and Alex thinks they’re all feeling guilty about laughing at clueless kid. He can’t really blame them because the situation was funny and adorable, even if he was heartbroken initially, but he also understands how Philip feels.

“Is it alright if I bring him to another room first?” John asks.

Eliza nods and smiles at him gratefully. John returns it with a tiny smile and leaves the room after saying, “Excuse me.”

“That was... eventful,” Peggy says, minutes after John and Pip left the room.

“Shut up, Pegs, it’s your fault,” Angelica says before taking a spoonful of mashed potato.

“You guys laughed too!” Peggy accuses them and throws a green pea at Angelica. She misses and it lands on Mr. Schuyler’s plate.

“It’s true though,” Alex chimes in as he plays with the food on his plate. “I _am_ a douche. I actually don’t understand why I’m still welcome in this home after everything I’ve done to Eliza. You should hate me and curse me. Mr. Schuyler—“

“Philip,” Mr. Schuyler reminds him.

“—you should have done something to destroy my career or something. I don’t deserve any of this. I don’t deserve your forgiveness,” he says hotly. He takes a deep breath and raises his head to look at the Schuylers in the room.

“I did hate you, you know,” Eliza says with a small smile on her face. “But I also loved you. And even if you hurt me, you also loved me.“

Alex feels tears trickle down his eyes and he whispers, “Thank you.”

“Forgiving you was more for myself. I thought I’d feel better if I forgave you. And I did. It’s much better for Philip too. But we can’t bring back what we used to have,” Eliza continues and looks at him directly.

“I don’t think he’d want to,” Peggy says. She wiggles her eyebrows and Alex chuckles and hastily wipes away his tears. “You’re head over heels for Mr. Laurens—“

“I’m _not_.”

Mrs. Schuyler gasps and she claps her hands together. “Are you dating John?” she asks.

“I wish,” he answers simultaneously with the Schuyler sisters’, “Not yet.”

“It’s surprising you haven’t made a move yet,” Mr. Schuyler says with a raised brow.

It’s true. Alex is _very_ proactive and he moves fast, even when it comes to his romantic pursuits. But with John, he feels like he needs to take his time. He doesn’t want him to run away again. One wrong move and he may end up not seeing him ever again. Besides, he still hasn’t completely sorted out his feelings about being with someone again.

“But he is a good boy,” Mrs. Schuyler says gently and Alex can’t help but think how alike Eliza and her mother are. “Pip seems to be very attached to him too.” She smiles at Alexander and adds, “It’s okay to fall in love again, Alexander.”

“Thanks, Mrs. Schuyler. I’ll keep that in mind,” he says politely. And he really intends on keeping that in mind. Maybe once he sees Eliza really happy with her life, he can finally move on too.

He just hopes John will still be single when that time comes.

“Alexander’s love life aside, what are we going to do about Pip?” Peggy asks and everyone falls silent again.

“He’s probably still crying his heart out,” Angelica suggests. “We shouldn’t have laughed.” She turns to her youngest sister and raises a brow. “This is your fault, Margarita.”

“Stop calling me that,” she hisses and flicks another pea at her, but this time, it hits Angelica right on the forehead.

“You bi—“

“No cursing during dinnertime,” Mr. Schuyler warns and the two girls immediately sit up straight. “Margarita—“

“Dad!”

“Can you call Mr. Laurens and Pip, please? We’re about to have dessert.” Mr. Schuyler daintily pats his mouth with a napkin and Alex thinks it’s amazing how he manages to keep his composure when he has three _adult_ daughters causing a riot everyday for no reason.

Peggy stands up to call the duo when they hear a distant sound of giggles getting closer and closer. She sits down, knowing that there’s no use calling them back when they’re already there.

John and Pip return to the dining hall. Pip still has his arms around John’s neck while the painter carries him protectively. The young boy is red-faced, but there’s no trace of tears on his face, just a bright grin and eyes that look at John in admiration. As the two are walking back to their seats, John whispers something, which makes Pip burst into another fit of giggles.

John puts him down on the seat beside Alex and then returns to his own. “I’m sorry for leaving,” he says softly and flashes an apologetic smile at the hosts.

“Oh, no, dear, thank _you_ for calming down our little boy,” Mrs. Schuyler says as she heads to the kitchen. “And you’re just in time for dessert.”

There is a moment of silence while Mrs. Schuyler is gone and all eyes are trained on Pip, who is happily drinking his lemonade. “Pip,” Eliza begins gently. “Are you angry with mommy?”

The little boy looks up at his mom. He shakes his head and flashes a bright grin. “No. I love you, mommy!”

Eliza raises her hands to her mouth at her son’s declaration. Alex can also feel his heart soar at how adorable his son is.

“I also love daddy and Aunt Angie and Aunt Peggy and grandma and grandpa,” he declares as he puts down his empty glass on the table. He then lowers his voice, but still loud enough for everyone in the room to hear, and says, “But I love Uncle John the most!” He peeks at John shyly.

John is surprised and turns red at the declaration, but he still manages to say, “I love Pip the most too.” The little boy squeals and jumps out of his seat to give John a hug, which he returns.

Alex hears the Schuyler sisters giggle at Pip while Mr. Schuyler looks at him fondly. But Alex’s attention is on John, who is still blushing. He realizes that he likes everything about John, even if he doesn’t know all that much. But with how he treates Pip, he knows that it’s telling of his good character.

“Dessert’s here!” Mrs. Schuyler announces and sets down the apple pie with whipped cream on the table. Alex remembers that it’s his ex mother-in-law’s specialty. “Pip, darling, if you could return to your seat so that your Uncle John can eat in peace, please.”

Pip pouts, but Alex hears John reassure him that they’ll play together after dinner.

Everyone gets a piece of the apple pie, but Pip and John get bigger cuts. Peggy complains that her mom is playing favorites, but Mrs. Schuyler ignores her. Pip happily digs in, getting cream all over his face.

Alex takes small bites of his piece as he sneaks glances at John. After John’s first bite, he immediately turns to Mrs. Schuyler and sings praises about her wondrous apple pie. “It’s amazing,” he says sincerely. “I’ve never tasted anything this good.”

“Oh, dear, you flatter me,” she says, face blushing. Mr. Schuyler snorts beside her and she sends him a glare.

John laughs and Alex thinks it’s the second most beautiful laugh he’s ever heard—the first one being Pip’s laughter. He watches the older man take another bite of the pie and clumsily gets cream on his lips.

Alex reaches out to wipe away the cream from his lips, but he gets a hold of himself. He knows it’s inappropriate to touch him when he hasn’t given him the okay. Instead, he says softly, “John.”

The older man gets startled and he looks up at him, finally meeting Alex’s eyes. “Yes?”

Alexander Hamilton still doesn’t know what to with his feelings. He wants to be with John, but he’s scared and he feels guilty. But amidst his complicated feelings, the joy of having John Laurens finally look at him in the eyes stands out.

He smiles sincerely and says, “You finally looked at me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey~
> 
> I hope you guys had a wonderful holiday season!
> 
> I'm really sorry it took me forever to post this. I'm not going to make excuses, but I swear, I'm going to do better next time.
> 
> Also, this chapter was like a hurricane. It's really bad, but it's the most I can manage right now. I really promise to do better next time!
> 
> Thank you very much for sticking with me! Thank you so much for reading this! Please leave a comment or a kudos if you liked it! Thank you! See you next time!


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